Jokes Corner - Laughter is the Best Medicine

[johnsonlam]

Lee Bai's Poem
(Chinese Version)

Chuang qian ming yue guang
Yi shi di shang shuang
Ju tou wang ming yue
Di tou shi gu xiang



(English Version)
The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
Like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown


(Singlish (Phua Chu Kang) Version)

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think Is Floor White White
Lift Head See Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home...


(Ah-Beng Version)

Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai
Pick Up Tai Gor Tai (handphone)
BS While Lau Sai


(Latest Reservist Army Version)

Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)
Thinking About Exercise(reservist mobilization)
Drop Dead Look Into The Sky (run until no
breathe)
Tong Kor Sia Lang Zai? (my heartache nobody
knows)


(Osama version)

No friend at my side
Think think Bush will fight
Lift head but where to hide?
This time don't know when will die ?


(Bush version)

Can't sleep since that night
Think think where he hide ?
Bomb bomb friends will say I pai
No choice ask them go fly kite

 

[johnsonlam]

OH NO !!! Will my insurance cover this ??

 

[johnsonlam]

AARGH !!! Invasion !!! MAY DAY MAY DAY !!! UFO had landed !!

 

[NOSkill]

Just got this from email.

> >Using A Drive Thru ATM
> >
> >Example No. 1
> >1. A guy drove up to the ATM machine.
> >2. Wining down the car window.
> >3. Insert the ATM card.
> >4. Key in his Pin.
> >5. Get cash.
> >6. Wining up the car window.
> >7. Bye-bye.
> >
> >Sounds normal right? But is not finished yet, the interesting part
> >is just started, keep reading ..
> >
> >
> >Example No. 2
> >1. A lady drives towards the ATM machine.
> >2. Reverse her car.
> >3. Drive carefully towards the machine again, closer this time.
> >4. Pull up the hand brake.
> >5. Turn down the engine.
> >6. Adjust her car seats.
> >7. Took out her handbag.
> >8. Searching for the ATM card.
> >9. Probably empty her handbag to reach for the card.
> >10. Found the ATM card.
> >11. Wining down the car window.
> >12. Took off her seat belt
> >13. Insert the ATM card.
> >14. Think for a few second try to remember her Pin.
> >15. Open her dairy search for the PIN number.
> >16. Enter Pin & get cash.
> >17. Count her cash & recount and the third times to confirm.
> 18. Put the money into her handbag.
> >19. Keep all her cosmetic, mirror, dairy, tissue paper, purse, eye
> >brash,comb, etc. into her handbag.
> >20. Wining up the window.
> >21. Start the car engine.
> >22. Drive for a few meters.
> >23. Release her hand brake.
> >24. Bye-bye.
> >
> >I guess this sounds "normal" too, right? Hey! If you agreed
> >just smile. If you agreed very much, you may shout "amen".
> >Feed back are wellcome.....
> >Have a nice day...

I wonder why we guys wait for so long when taking them out for dinner.

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

nice wan DONOVAN !!

 

[johnsonlam]

I am JUST TOO SEXY !!

 

[johnsonlam]

THE PERILS OF ******

AMERICAN WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

JAPANESE WOMEN
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her
panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then she'll bid you
sayonara, as that was her last fling as getting
married to a Japanese man tomorrow.

MALAY WOMEN
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her. Third date: You have to
promise her that you are gonna get circumcised.
Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole
family.
The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three more
times as allowed under Islamic law!

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens too.
Third date: You have already realised that nothing's going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: You meet her parents.
Second date: The date is set for the wedding.
Third date: It's your wedding night!

HONG KONG WOMEN
First date: You lose all your cash in your wallet.
Second date: You max out all your credit cards.
Third date: You clean out your bank account and you still can't get to
first base. Three weeks after your third date, you
die from SARS.

 

[johnsonlam]

A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life:
W : WONDERFUL
I : INTERESTING
F : FASCINATING
E : EXTRAORDINARY
But a woman will have to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because he
might be:
H : HOPELESS
U : UNACCOUNTABLE
S : SENSELESS
B : BORING
A : AUTHORITATIVE
N : NUISANCE
D : DISCRIMINATIVE
Why does a man want to have a WIFE ? Because
W : Washing
I : Ironing
F : Food
E : Entertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND ? Because
H : Housing
U : Understanding
S : Sharing
B : Buying
A : And
N : Never
D : Demanding
What most husbands feel before and after marriage :
BEFORE MARRIAGE
W : Wonderful
I : Instrument
F : For
E : Entertainment
AFTER MARRIAGE
W : Worries (are)
I : Invited
F : For
E : Ever

 

[johnsonlam]

Nice Try...

 

[ROADRAGE]

Originally posted by johnsonlam@Nov 20 2003, 05:03 PM
Nice Try...

ahahha damn this is one of the BEST!!! lol.......programming sux big time.....im stuck with my asp project :(

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

Originally posted by johnsonlam@Nov 20 2003, 05:03 PM
Nice Try...

gagagaggaga

 

[johnsonlam]

Originally posted by ROADRAGE+Nov 20 2003, 10:26 PM-->

QUOTE (ROADRAGE @ Nov 20 2003, 10:26 PM)

--QuoteBegin-johnsonlam

@Nov 20 2003, 05:03 PM Nice Try...

ahahha damn this is one of the BEST!!! lol.......programming sux big time.....im stuck with my asp project :( [/b][/quote] ASP ? hmm. Interests me :) Anything I can help ? E-mail me.

 

[johnsonlam]

Guys don't do good babysitters.

 

[johnsonlam]

Joke 1
Boy goes 4 Blood Test. Nurse takes the sample but can't find cotton
so she Sucks his Finger! Boy is so happy he asks, Can I gat a
Urine Test also?


Joke 2
Do u know why guys fart louder? Because in between his legs, there
is 1 microphone & 2 speakers.


Joke 3
A wife asks hubby how many women he had slept with?
Husband proudly replies only u darling with others I was awake!


Joke 4
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him :U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex
Ans No.
Then U want to live so long 4 what?


Joke 5
Ah Beng and 16 friends go to the disco.
Outside the disco there is a notice, only 18 & above is allowed.
Ah-beng: walau wey, there only 17 of us.


Section B
Never Argue with a Child! very cute and funny !! The children were
lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

[johnsonlam]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to do so.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his
mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on theQueen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King and shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.....


MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills

Also to include: A Deal's A Deal and You Got to Keep Your End of the Bargain.

 

[johnsonlam]

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor. After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start". The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job".



The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.



Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously,"you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!! The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!"



The moral of this story:

1- Internet is not the solution to your life

2- if you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

3- if you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire.


P.S.: If I don't login to ZTH Forum for a few days... I might be selling tomatoes liau..

 

[keongzai]

Dun work too hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[keongzai]

The Legend of Cigarattes.

 

[sakuragi]

Originally posted by johnsonlam@Nov 21 2003, 01:24 PM
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor. After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start". The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job".



The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.



Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the U. S. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously,"you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!! The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!"



The moral of this story:

1- Internet is not the solution to your life

2- if you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

3- if you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy, rather than a millionaire.


P.S.: If I don't login to ZTH Forum for a few days... I might be selling tomatoes liau..

Gosh! I have more than 4 emails!
Sure endup being an office boy..
sighz :(

 

[sakuragi]

Originally posted by keongzai@Nov 21 2003, 01:43 PM
Dun work too hard!!!!!!!!!!!!

this one is good... That's why i never work hard!! :lol: :D :lol: :D