Jokes Corner - Laughter is the Best Medicine

[johnsonlam]

Hokkien "kia"

children is "kin kia"
bird is "chiao kia"
car is "chia kia"
give birth is "seh kia"
police is "mata kia"
small house is "chu kia"
country name is Czechoslovakia
puppy is "kao kia"
kitten is "miao kia"
chick is "kuay kia"
pig is "du kia"
handphone is Nokia

Malay is "huan kia"
Hindu is "ke leng kia"
Westerner is "ang mo kia"
Chinese is "teng lang kia"
Japanese is "jit pun kia"
Orang jahat is "phai kia" or "gui kia"
Orang baik is "ho kia" or "guai kia"

person who read this is "gong kia"
if you laugh , you are "siaw kia"

 

[johnsonlam]

OK.. I think I ran out of JOKES :)
Need to find more...

 

[NOSkill]

I'm a pic guy.....

 

[NOSkill]

I know this is so wrong......

 

[johnsonlam]

> > The Last Chicken
> >
> > A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time
> > the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back
> > and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that
> > police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular
> > customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem
> > with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm
> > afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another
> > dish for you!"
> >
> > The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The
> > waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation
> > to the officer.
> >
> > A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and
> > says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat
> > and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the
> > same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of
> > yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your
> > arms!"
> >
> > The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle
> > finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then
> > gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"

 

[ROADRAGE]

ooo...new jedi corner

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

all oso funny

 

[-fRëɧt¥£3R-]

more more !!
i enjoy readin..but hate postin

 

[ROADRAGE]

hehehe now i know where johnsonlam's postings come from......MORE MORE

add petrol!!!!!!

 

[Ali_G]

http://ngakak.net/images/kartun/k0043.jpg

 

[keongzai]

Girls=evil

 

[keongzai]

Men= more evil

 

[johnsonlam]

Originally posted by ROADRAGE@Nov 20 2003, 12:28 AM
hehehe now i know where johnsonlam's postings come from......MORE MORE

add petrol!!!!!!

My Postings ? From my E-mail lah..
I where can think of so much Jokes in a day.. Joker meh :) hahah

 

[sakuragi]

Originally posted by johnsonlam@Nov 19 2003, 06:06 PM
This is a good one..

A letter with 2 meanings

Bob Smith, I disagreeistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Another good one i must say.. :lol:

 

[johnsonlam]

If you watch Fast and The Furious more than 1 times, you will know what all these means hahaha


--------


I live my life a quarter pounder at a time. And for those 500 calories or
more, I'm free.

I need FRIIIIIIESSSSSS! Two of them. The big ones. Oh, and I need them
tonight!!

AMATURES DONT SUPER-SIZE! I'VE SEEN HOW YOU EAT!!! YOU'VE GOT A BIG MOUTH!!
YOU'LL BLOW YOURSELF UP!

What's the retail on one of those?? More than you can afford pal, 6-dollar
burger!

You're lucky the double shot of bbq sauce didn't blow a seam on your nugget
box!!!

Whoa! There she is, 2 pounds of pure MickeyD's beef. My dad ate it in 9.0
seconds flat. There was so much special sauce, the juices actually dripped
onto his chin coming off the line.
What's your time?
I haven't tasted her. She scares the crap outta me.

My grill topped out at 140 degrees today. I need more charcoal, 2 bags, the
big ones

So what're you eatin?! Oh you gonna make me look under the bun and find
out??

It's not how you stand by your burger, it's how you EAT your burger.

Bull shi* ***hole! no one likes the McTuna sandwich around here!

You almost had me? You never had me. You never had your burger. You're
granny-biting, not double-chomping like you should!!!

Now me and Ronald McDonald here are gonna have to rip open the counter, and
replace the ONION RINGS YOU FRIED.

You know you owe me a 10 pack of nuggets. Ooh. Ouch!

Don't do it! I'll bet he's got at least a triple cheeseburger under that
bun!

Torretto's got ketchup in his veins and an all beef patty for a brain.

They opened my bag. Disrespected my fries. All because someone narked me
out! AND YOU KNOW WHAT!! IT WAS RONALD!!!

I thought we had an understanding? You stay on your side of the play-place,
I stay on mine.

Bryan - "Welcome to Mcdonald's, may I take your order?"
Hector - "Yeah, I made a list. I want 3 of everything."

All the descriptions were the same. 3 black Angus beef patties,
precision-placed pickles, Mushimoto mayonaisse.

I bet a couple of 1/2 pound patties would pull a premium three days before
Taste Wars wouldn't they?

Check it out, it's like this. If I lose, winner takes my happy meal. But If
I win, I take the burger AND the TOY. To some people that's more important.

 

[johnsonlam]

Your Balls Are SQUARE !

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"

The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

 

[johnsonlam]

Picture TIME !!
(Note : This is almost like what my GF is going through EVERY DARN DAY !)

 

[johnsonlam]

Eminem - Stan (Modified, Car Racer's Version)
By : Johnson Lam ( 30th Jul 2003 )

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray,
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad..

1st Chorus: volume gradually grows over raindrop background
2nd Chorus: full volume with beat right after "thunder" noise

[Eminem as 'Stan' - RAP]
Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em

but anyways; f**k it, what's been up? Man how's your Car ?
My Car is ok too, I'm bout to be a racer
If I have a TURBO, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her TurBoTon
I read about your Father's Lorry too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some Ferrary who dust him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I have the biggest fan
I even got the PowerBooster nuts that you did with Scam
I got a room full of your 2nd Had Parts and GT Girl pictures man
I like the Grounding nuts you did with BLITz too, that nuts was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

{Chorus: Dido}

[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's f**kED UP you don't answer Mails
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your drag race
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold and smoke for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty nutsty man - you're like his f**kin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to
Remember when we met in Sepang- you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always drag in Gurney and Batu Kawan,
I can relate to what you're saying when you drive
so when I have a nutsty day, I drift away and race like hell
cause I don't really got nuts else so that nuts helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of SKYLINE across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the blood was like Fuel Injection
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about Cars 24/7
But she don't know cars like we know Cars Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like to drift and take corners
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S.
We should be together too

{Chorus: Dido}

 

[johnsonlam]

[Eminem as 'Stan']
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 180 on Plus Highway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Initial, "Love Is in Danger"
about that guy who coulda saved the girl from leaving him ?
but didn't, then he loose the girl...
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me NOS
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ the GT Girl and Car posters of the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; {*screaming*} Shut up ! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my SubWoofer in the trunk
but I didn't burst the Woofers, I just Blast it up, see I ain't like you
cause if the woofer burst, it suufer more, at least it will spoil too.
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh nuts, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this nuts out?
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD splash*}

{Chorus: Dido}

[Eminem]
Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your car is modded, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your Car that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the SPARCO cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the drag, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that nuts intentionally just to diss you
But what's this nuts you said about you like to driff too?
I say that nuts just clownin dogg,
c'mon - how f**ked up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some advance driving course
to help your ass from bouncing off the chairs when you hit some holes
And what's this nuts about us meant to be together?
That type of nuts'll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your car need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad you can drive better
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a friend
I just don't want you to do some crazy stunt
I seen this one nuts on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his SubWoofer in the trunk, and it was blasted and it cracked
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
d**n!

 

[johnsonlam]

Stupid GF.. Orginal written by someone I know...
Not true story.. Just a joke

A nice Morning at AAM Car Support Call Centre :

AAM : Hello, thanks for calling AAM, this is Muthi. How can I help you Miss ?
Ah Lian : Hi, my boy friend went overseas, pass me his car to drive.
AAM : Oh I see. What can I help you then ?
Ah Lian : I found a lot of problem with the car.
AAM : Ok, what car is this ?
Ah Lian : oh. I dunno about car type or model. But the car is silver in colour and the bonet is black.
AAM : Black bonet ?
Ah Lian : yes. and it looks like reflective netting on the bonet.
AAM : Oh. Carbon fiber hood... so, what's the problem ?
Ah Lian : Carbon what ? No, it is a Black Bonet.
AAM : ah... yes.. the black bonet. What's the problem
Ah Lian : When I drive it.. in 3rd gear or 4th gear, when I overtake a car, very noisy
AAM : Noise from the engine ?
Ah Lian : No, from the exhaust pipe. The sound very loud, and then at 5000 rpm, the sound change louder... very loud...
AAM : Oh, what engine is the car using. ?
Ah Lian : I dunno.
AAM : Ok.. When you see the engine, what you see ?
Ah Lian : I cannot see the engine, can see the black bonet only.
AAM : Pull the release jack and open it up ?
Ah Lian : I pull liau.. cannot..
AAM : Oh.. do you see 2 hood pins on the side ? on the bonet near the head lamps.
Ah Lian : Ah.. got 2 metal thing
AAM : yes, remove those and take off the bonet.
Ah Lian : ah. can liau.
AAM : Ok.. what it say ?
Ah Lian : I saw 710...
AAM : What ?
Ah Lian : THe top there is a CAP says 710...
AAM : Oh.. turn the cap around (twist 180 degrees) and see again
Ah Lian : OH... it says OIL.
AAM : OK.. beside it. On the engine block ?
Ah Lian : DOHC VTEC
AAM : Oh.. nothing is wrong with your car. It is meant to sound like that ?
Ah Lian : WHAT ? OTHER CARS does not sound like that.. My kancil does not sound like that.
AAM : ooh.. hmm.. well.. it is beca...
Ah Lian : Oh.. another problem with my car.
AAM : what ?
Ah Lian : When I change gear, got air sound hissing from my dashboard.
AAM : Like how....
Ah Lian : Changing gear, I can hear PISST... PISSST from my dashboard..
AAM : oh... That sound like blowoff... do you se...
Ah Lian : BlowJob ? Don't try to be funny here..
AAM : nono.. I meant that is a device to let go pressure..
Ah Lian : No, you were trying to be funny..
AAM : Tell you what.. do you see a coiled thing like a Snail in the engine compartment.
Ah Lian : hmmm... yes yes.. I see it..
AAM : That means you have Turbo...
Ah Lian : TU BO ? (Female PIG) YOu are saying I am a TUBO ??
AAM : NO.. Turbo ... Turbine..
Ah Lian : You are really rude you know.. anyway, my kancil is so silent...
AAM : hmm...
Ah Lian : This is a stupid car, when I swith of the engine, the engine still running.. I have to sit in the car until the engine stops. In case people steal the car when I was away.
AAM : that is a Timer...
Ah Lian : My kancil also have a Clock. But then engine swith off immediatly after I pull the key...
AAM : eerrr....
Ah Lian : You trying to fool me ?
AAM : no I just...
Ah Lian : I want to send this car to be repaired... and get these fire extinguisher removed ..
AAM : Fire extinguisher ?
Ah Lian : YES? these 2 big tanks says NOS or something... crazy for someone to put these in the car...
AAM : NOS is a..
Ah Lian : and I remembered another thing... That day I nearly hit someone when I HORN at them.. the car just and I speed pass the person instead.. I have to jam the brakes to stop it from hitting another car ahead... I think the horn is faulthy..
AAM : ?
Ah Lian : So, what should I do.
AAM : I tell you what, you sell of this car at the second hand dealer shop. and get yourself a new Kancil as an exchange. How about that ? Your BoyFriend will sure be very happy to get a more silent and problem free car...
Ah Lian : HMmm.. that seems like a good idea.. It will be a surprise for him.
AAM : I am sure it will be...
Ah Lian : Great... I will go now.
AAM : DO let me know which Car Dealer you went so that I can get him to give you a very good kancil. Those that comes with 660 CC is better than those 850. You know ?
Ah Lian : IS it ? OK... That is nice of you.. THanks... !!!